Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dear Kylie

OMG! You are so lucky - lucky, lucky, lucky - that you are receiving this letter from me. I mean, we are practically identical twins. Same height, same great teeth, same cute face, you've got a great voice, I've got a terrific voice, you got breast cancer and snap - me too! You're older than me so we can't really be twins but probably we were meant to be sisters but there was some mix-up at the hospital. My real younger sister's name is Kyla, which I'm sure you'll agree, is quite like Kylie so maybe my Mum and Dad were trying to hint at something.

Did you have to have a mastectomy? I can't see any evidence of the scar in the gorgeous photos of you on your website. How lucky, lucky, lucky are you to have your own website? www.kylie.com. Unfortunately www.sacha.com is already taken by an Austrian reporter who looks heaps like Borat but you can look me up and see our total sisterness on www.sachacoburn.com.

Did I mention that I'm a really good dancer as well. You're probably just a little bit sexier than me when you dance but I am very good at keeping in time and smiling a lot. I read in a women's mag - great articles - that you experienced chemo brain. Same!! The other day I said to my daughter (OMG Kymo, you're an Aunty!), "Remind me to take the ball to get pumped up at the...." and I couldn't remember the word for the place where we take the car to get petrol. It's the same word we use for the buildings on the sides and fronts of houses where people store their golf clubs and tennis rackets which leaves room for only the big car. How was I going to remember to go to that place if I couldn't remember what it was called?

Anyway, you've written a song about it already and it perfectly describes this hazy fuzz of trying to find the word - 'Can't get you out of my head' - the word is in there somewhere but I just can't get it out. See how before you were even diagnosed you were writing songs that would help me? Thanks a mill.

I heard that during your chemo you had a personal chef. That must have been really cool. I understand better than most how hard it is to stay trim during treatment. Did you put on weight? I have got really heavy. Our neighbour wolf whistled at my Mum today thinking it was me in a new white blonde wig. I bet you get quite a few wolf whistles. I guess it runs in our family. It seems rude to write to you and rub in how great my life is compared to yours but I think as we're practically sisters you'll understand that honesty is best and I hope you'll be happy for me. You see K-meister, I have 7 personal chefs. I know, I can hardly believe it myself. This week, every night, a different chef from my local community is knocking up tea for me and my family so I can get some rest during this second cycle of chemo. I am truly blessed. It's a shame that people in Paris where you live in your petit-borgeois apartmente are so French.

Another thing that proves our unbreakable bond is that we are both magnets for hot European men. I don't mean to be mean but I've probably done a bit better than you here because I am actually married. My husband C, is of Italian heritage and his name is Greek. So totally Euro just like Olivier and your new guy.

It's really sad that I didn't have a musical career like you. It hasn't seemed to work out for your other sister Dannii either. But I have been blessed to have 3 wonderful children in my life. I know that you want to have kids too, partly so your kids can say they are my kids cousins. I'm okay with that, because I think anything that helps us survivors survive is good.

OMG - great idea! Why don't you come and live here for a while and get to know my children and I could fill in for you on your latest tour. Your fans wouldn't notice if we went for dim lighting, and my children love all the small creatures of Australia.

I'm spinning around already at the thought.

Mad love, your younger twin


PS The word is garage.


BeJolly said...

Cool - you'll get at least 6 costume changes per show - what are you going to wear? And what did you end up wearing to your first chemo appointment anyway? Did Kylie pass you on one of her little numbers?

Kyla said...

Remember when we used to play 'Kylie and Jason'? You won that small record (yes, people - vinyl) and microphone for being school DJ of the year (that's right aye?)and we used to sing (you would sing I would make breathy sounds!) their duet "Especially for You".
I chose this clip because I'm certain you had some pants like the one's she is wearing. You really are twins! Love you x

BeJolly said...

No hair has gotta be way better than Kylie's hair in that clip.... or Jason's face fuzz...

Anonymous said...

I've said for a long time you should be a writer, Sach! Very funny and clever. And ballsy, yes,
bet you look stylish and avant-garde in your new hairstyle. Really enjoying your blog.

Btw, if your Dad looks a bit tired or cross, it's because Mum told him the wrong time to pick them up from the airport today.. she told him 6am, and it was 6pm! So the poor man had an unecessarily long day.
Thnking of you lots and lots,
s xx

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Sach. And in reply to another of your correspondents, the one who told your dad the wrong time to be at the airport... ie am instead of pm ... was not the mother. It was your other correspondent.
Much love
The Other Correspondent's Mother:-)

Christopher Waugh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christopher Waugh said...

I assumed you and Kylie were twins due to the equal status you have as gay icons. Is there something I'm missing here?